Beppuuuuu! (別府)

I closed my trip to Kyushu with a visit to the bathing resort town of Beppu.

Far and away the best thing about this hot spring heaven was the recorded voice at the train station. All of the stations I have been to in Japan have a boring old recording that plays something like, "Tokyo - Tokyo desu. Tokyo - Tokyo desu" upon arrival. Beppu Station, on the other hand, has an incredibly comic recording where the female voice goes, "Beppuuuuu! Beppuuuuu!" as your train doors open. The exaggerated "uuuuu" sound made me chuckle every time.

Unfortunately, that was probably the highlight of my time in Beppu.

I would not describe Beppu as an attractive city. In fact, it is fairly rundown and dingy looking on the outside. But, that need not dissuade people from visiting, since most of one's time will likely be spent submerged in a pool of hot water.

Beppu has two main types of baths - those that are for looking and those that are for soaking. The looking variety are called the "Jigoku" or Hells. The Hells were once natural hot springs, but they have been so elaborately decorated that they now resemble miniature amusement parks. For me, they were the biggest tourist trap I have visited in Japan thus far.

On the other side of the spectrum are the onsen / hot springs meant for bathing. Beppu boasts over 100 different bathing establishments. These run the gamut from large modern buildings with multiple pools, to small, family-run operations.

My most memorable "small" onsen experience was at a place that didn't even provide any wooden stools to sit on while cleaning yourself. I had to sit on the tile floor in front of a spigot and try awkwardly to clean those parts of my body not in direct contact with the floor. This proved more difficult than expected, considering that I had to share the spigot with an obese naked Japanese man, whose distended stomach severely encroached on my cleaning area.

In Beppu, I learned that I am a two baths a day person. After two baths, I find that my body is both sufficiently clean and relaxed, not to mention the fact that my skin has already started to become the consistency of stewed tomatoes. However, with literally nothing else to do in Beppu but soak, I was taking upwards of four baths a day. Hardcore tub fanatics shuttle themselves from place to place in rental cars and are said to visit over six different baths per day. I'll leave that type of marathon bathing to the pros.

There are a number of exotic baths in Beppu as well. When faced with the decision of entering either the volcanic mud bath or the steaming hot sand bath, I chose the mud.

My entrance into the mud bath was a dramatic one. Having just stripped off all of my clothes and completed my preliminary rinsing, I walked up to the edge of the pool. As expected, the volcanic mud was thick and gray. Actually, it looked less like the brown mud puddles of my youth and more like the gray modeler's clay I remember fooling around with in elementary school art class.

I put one foot into the pool. As I put my weight on the leg now submerged in gray sludge, I found that I had in fact missed the stone entry staircase completely. I immediately fell forward and plunged spread eagle, face first into the volcanic mud. My knees rammed into the bottom of the shallow pool. In keeping with the mud theme, they had decided to line the bottom of the pool with dirt and loose rocks.

Thus, upon pulling myself out of the muck, my face, hair, and dignity covering white washcloth were all thoroughly soaked in mud, dirt and gravel bits. Moaning like a bear shot with a tranquilizer dart, I limped towards the edge of the pool, stubbing my big toe on the actual location of the staircase.

Once I rubbed the mud out of my eyes, I saw that the 10 Japanese bathers in the pool were all staring at me with fixed eyes. Everyone was completely silent. No one said a word. Not even a courtesy, "Are you OK?" Nothing. I trudged out of the pool in silence, mud dripping off my naked, broken body.

Despite keeping quiet, I'm sure all of those Japanese people went home that night and told their families about the amazing thing they witnessed at the mud bath.

After cleaning myself up, I reentered the mud. This time I was much more successful.

B.E.W.

I actually thought this was genuinely nifty. Right outside Beppu Station is this little volcano receptacle spewing hot mineral water. You are invited to soak your hands in it.

This is the first stop on Beppu's famous "Jigoku Meguri" or Hells Tour. Each Hell is a natural hot spring decked out to function as a mini amusement park. You pay 500 Yen so you can take pictures of the various pools of boiling water.

This is Hell 1/8: Umi (Sea). The cobalt blue water is supposed to remind one of the sea

Some scenery from the Hell. Everything about these tourist traps felt one hundred percent manufactured and artificial. I recommend visiting Aso-san if you are interested in viewing a real caldera.

These steaming rocks can mean only one thing - it's time for Hell 2/8: Oniishi Bozu (Oniishi Shaven Head). The name comes from the fact that the hot gray mud bubbles in this spring are said to look like the shaven heads (bozu) of monks.

The famous bubbling gray mud that puts this Hell on the map. This is also the very same mud that I plummeted into face first in front of a dozen stoic Japanese bathers.

My artistic shot of the mud ripples.

Rorschach inkblot test #1 - What do you see?*

*I see the Tim Burton version of The Penguin from Batman Returns rising out of the mud; his eyes and nose are visible.

Time for Rorschach test #2 - What do you see?**

**I see a humanoid fish creature rising out of the mud; Its big open mouth gasping for air.

Presenting Hell 6/8: Shiroike (White Pond). It is called such because the water that spouts from the ground mysteriously turns a creamy white color reminiscent of Calpis. You'll notice that I skipped Hells 3-5. This was intentional. I chose not to support those hells that had animals caged up in miserable conditions.

Maybe I'm an old stick in the mud, but I just don't see what is all that amazing about these Hells.

This is Hell 7/8: Chinoike (Pond of Blood!). I nicknamed this one the "Bloody Mary," due to the fact that the trees hold an uncanny resemblance to celery stocks. The spring is filled with clay which gets super heated, turning the water and steam red. They also sell red clay ointment which is said to cure a variety of skin diseases. I didn't buy any - the 500 Yen admission was ripoff enough!

A closeup of the POND OF BLOOD! (duh, duh, duuuuuuh!)

A mass of people (including yours truly) all waiting to see Hell 8/8: Tatsumaki. Tatsumaki can either conveniently be translated to mean geyser or dragon roll (if you're in an American sushi bar that is :). The geyser spouts every thirty minutes or so.

Thar she blows!!!

A giant Aloe Vera plant I spotted while walking around the hills behind downtown Beppu.

This is an individual / small family bathing hut I saw while exploring the town. It was part of a larger onsen complex and was available for rent.

When you climb up the winding hills behind Beppu, you get an excellent view of the city. I love all of the white steam plumes in the picture. Each one marks the location of an onsen.

MORE PLUMES!!! These shots reminded me of the soot spewing chimneys from Mary Poppins.

I close with a picture of Beppu's creepy mascot. This is "Pika Pika no Ojisan." The exact English caption on the statue reads: "The man called 'Shiny Uncle' who loved children." One should be sure to notice the naked Oni (demon) baby clinging onto his cape. WOW!